I was a young child when I understood the gospel that saves from sin and spiritual deadness. I had plenty of information to know that I needed to respond by faith to the grace of God, just like everyone else. I knew that Jesus was God incarnate who came to accomplish for me what I could not do in my spiritual predicament. I had good apologetic evidence and reasons to believe it was the truth. I trusted in Jesus, but it was not a blind faith.
I continued to learn as I studied, read, talked with people, and observed the world. Most of what I was learning tended to confirm the truth of what I believed. Anything that seemed to raise questions I was able to chase down. It turns out that others had raised those questions before. There were good ways to think about them. I was motivated to build my life around the gospel.
But, Wait
Some puzzling challenges arose in my mind as I noticed what was happening in my life: how I thought and how I acted and spoke. So, the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in high school, I decided it was time to settle some things. Back in the 1950s no one called it "fact-checking" but that is what I had in mind.
I left the house about 10:30 on an August night and went into the large field where my brothers and sisters and I often played ball and looked for 4-leaf clovers. On summer afternoons, all the kids in the neighborhood played in that field.
The sky was unclouded and ablaze with stars, without lights on the ground to pollute the darkness. The Milky Way stretched diagonally across the sky. I knew that the Soviet-launched satellite Sputnik 3 would be crossing the sky, so I waited to watch it fly over. Then I started talking to God.
It was a perfect "prayer room." I did not hear any audible voice from God, nor did I expect to. Years later, I realized that I was following a common pattern. Abraham heard from God while looking at the stars in Genesis 15. David did it in Psalm 8. T. S. Eliot put it into a poem, "There is a time for the evening under starlight."
So What was My Problem?
My fact check lasted over an hour and a half. I will summarize it briefly for you.
I knew the Bible verses about what theologians call total depravity: "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." "Not by works of righteousness that we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us." "All our righteousness is like filthy rags."
I knew the quotes from famous theologians and song writers: "The only thing I bring to my salvation is the sin that makes it necessary." "Nothing in my hands I bring, simply to the cross I cling."
But when I looked at my life, that is not what I was seeing. I asked God, "If there is nothing good in me, why do I consistently tell the truth, even when it gets me into trouble? I seem to have a built-in aversion to lying."
Hearing no reply, I continued, "When I care about other people, it is genuine. I am not manipulating them to get something for myself. I am willing to make sacrifices to help them. Is that a bad thing?"
I am sure God knew I had a lengthy speech prepared, and was giving me time to express myself. "And the Bible says that the natural man does not understand the things of God. Yet, as I read the Bible, it does make sense to me. Even the idea of you being three-in-one. How could my mind work logically and clearly if I am dominated by sin?"
I know I have tended to be arrogant (in a naïve way). But I was being honest. I knew there was some good in me, and it had been there for a long time. In fact, it had been there ever since . . . .
I stopped talking mid-sentence. God did not interrupt me. I heard my own words. And I began to answer my own questions.
"Since when, Jerry?" I asked myself. “What exactly happened years ago when you invited the life of God into your life and were indwelt by the Holy Spirit of God? Is that when things started to change?"
That question brought to mind a question from the Bible, "What do you have that was not a gift to you? And if you received it as a gift, why would you treat it as something you accomplished?" (1 Corinthians 4:7)
[I am trying hard not to read back into that night at 15 years old any of the confirming lessons I have learned since. Back then I had not yet encountered Bible verses like Romans 5:17 or 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 or 1 Corinthians 15:9-10 or 2 Corinthians 3:17-18 or Hebrews 5:11-14. Let alone the Isaiah 61 stuff. I had read them, but it had not clicked.]
I did know Romans 12:1-2 and 2 Corinthians 5:17 and Ephesians 2:10 and Philippians 3:8-9.
The Gospel Transforms Us
God had been changing me. It was his righteousness that I was seeing in my thoughts and actions. His image was being restored in me. Of course, it was not perfect or mature, but it was there.
I was not passive in the process, but it was not my ability to do the right thing that I was seeing. It was exciting to be reassured that the gospel was true and I was now in a process of transformation.
This spiritual milestone marker convinced me that I was who God said I was. It gave me a prospect for the rest of my life--I would be able to see growth into Christlikeness in the future. I now knew who I was. I tried to imagine what I would become: complete, renewed, mature; not perfect, but a servant able to know and do his Lord's will.
What Now?
The facts checked out. I could cooperate with God's process of renewing my mind. I could rely on his power to do the transforming work. I could live in hope and confidence. I could bring glory to God and serve others. I could in a finite way learn to think like God does. I could overcome remaining temptations. I was being saved.
At the same time, I had a feeling that it was not my responsibility to let everyone else know who I was. Boasting never comes across well, especially bragging about how righteous a person is. This idea of not calling attention to myself was not a restriction from God. Nor did I feel like I had to deny the reality of transformation if anyone happened to notice it. I simply thought I should focus on living it, not preaching it.
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." I am so happy that I had my appetite awakened early in life.
"This idea of not calling attention to myself was not a restriction from God. Nor did I feel like I had to deny the reality of transformation if anyone happened to notice it. I simply thought I should focus on living it, not preaching it."
Great post and good thoughts, Jerry. Thanks for sharing ...